Thursday, September 14, 2006

Eviction Notice

It has come to my attention that under certain contractual rent agreements, the treasured security deposit, which is often lost at the end of your stay, will automatically be returned if the not so sacred tenant/apartment relationship ends in eviction. Now, for those of you who don’t realize what this means, its like getting back the money you spent on your girlfriend during your problematic year-long relationship after you break up, as if she’d been pocketing the money, hiding it in a box and in a fit of rage, gave it all back right before the end. I know what your thinking, "I’d like an eviction please." Now, eviction can come quite easily for the naturally talented, but for those who can’t quite get the job done, I’ve devised six simple, and cost effective, ways to get you booted from your place faster than you can say, "Hey guys, we just got evicted!" But not really, cause some of these ideas take time.
In order to achieve a regular business week eviction, because you have to buy a plane ticket to visit that girl you met in Costa Rica next week, I recommend the good ol’ fashion ‘I collect noise in my apartment’ approach. To start off, borrow your friend’s 15' car subs, place them conveniently on the floor above your lower neighbors bedroom, and connect them to a thousand watt stereo. Upon bed time, blast Mace till 5:30 am, ignoring any irritating doorbell ringing, Police or not. Remember, sleep with ear plugs so you yourself aren’t disturbed. At 7:00 am, wake up and make breakfast while dropping every pot and pan you own on the kitchen tile. From noon till four, attempt to mimic the howler monkeys you saw that one time on the Discovery channel. Repeat for five days straight, assuring your landlord each evening it won’t happen again, and next Monday, a pay check in the form of an eviction notice.
For a faster check out, and I’m talking about an unnaturally quick removal, its time to join the big brother/big sister and walk a pet program at the same time. And don’t just enlist once, form different aliases and join upwards to twenty or thirty times; you need your neighbors to think you have opened a day-care and a zoo under the same roof in one day’s time. After you have all your players, a gaggle of kids and a multitude of animals rivaling Noah, organize all sorts of games– tag, hide and seek, kings, flip cup, and, of course, pin the tail on everything. Two days tops, guaranteed.
For those vegans out there, I have devised a much more natural method of eviction. It gets down to the roots of the problem and the origins of our country. However, I am warning you, if you don’t know any Cherokee’s or Navaho’s this probably won’t work. What I’m advocating is a rain dance. No animals are harmed and nature only benefits, especially you, because studies have shown that neighbors hate dancing, specifically rain dancing, and eviction is next to assured.
I’d like to thank my friend Ryan and the United States military for the next measure to be taken against the filth of the security deposit. I have three words for you, sniping and water balloons. Actually I have seven words for you, sniping, water balloons, and your neighbor’s great aunt. You do the math, three plus seven equals ten– a perfect ten.
It’s time to put away the Lincoln Logs and Legos, my last two methods are both unorthodox and illegal, so the blame is on you if you chose to be so bold. The fifth algorithmic program (a thesaurus word) involves a rogue gas leak and a conclusion that ends not necessarily in eviction, but you do get the security deposit back. All I’m saying is if there is no building, there can be no irresponsible damage to a certain apartment in that building, that’s all im saying, hands off.
Finality is said to be certain only in death and taxes. All the same, I have always believed finality is certain in death, taxes, and a doctor’s excuse note. To be more precise, I’ve never met a landlord who is willing to keep a tenant when he is certain that person has a plethora of hepatitis, yes, three fold: A, B, and C. If self respect and pride aren’t your game and you are willing to give up a reputation for future references, than a family friend who happens to be a doctor is your best bet in gaining back a security deposit. Five hundred dollars plus is what you gain. Is eviction worth the price? If so, than I not only recommend, but commend you on your decision to take my advice.

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